Script Frenzy: New Excerpt

I've posted a new excerpt from my latest script in my Script Frenzy profile. And, well, no one reads this blog but I thought I'd post it here, too. It's not like I have extra material to add to it or ran out of space or anything. It's not even a particularly stunning example of my writing. It does, however, sum up a lot about the script that I'm writing. “The Pact” is really a buddy movie set in your typical fantasy world. The main characters are constantly trading quips and barbs and getting on each other's nerves but underneath it all there's a connection, a real devotion to one another, that bonds the two together. And I think you get a nice sense of that here. As well, I think I do a nice job of using dialog to direct the action. The Frenzy might be about maximizing your word count but I find I'm doing a good job of keeping things streamlined and compact – eliminating the need for a lot of action passages through effective use of dialog being a good example of trimming the fat from my writing.

To set up the scene, this is somewhat late in the second act. My main characters are, if you'll remember, fugitives from justice, the government, or whatever passes for it in this dystopian pastoral world. The character named, simply, “Mage” here has escaped from her magical training – a very serious offense since magic users are heavily regulated and controlled – with the help of the “Soldier” (I'm still nailing down the names for these people so I've kept things descriptive and simple.) and have been running from the law and into trouble the whole film. They've stumbled across the last, lingering remnants of the resistance to the vichy government and the invading outsiders who've recently taken over their country. And that resistance is planning one last, brave hurrah. A charge of the light brigade to storm the palace, rescue the princess – last heir of the slain king and daughter of his sister and the pretender to the throne – and save their country. With the Mage's help, they might stand half a chance. But the Mage has other ideas and, late in the evening before the group sets out, she tries to flee into the night again. As this excerpt starts, the Mage has been interrupted, caught, by the Soldier who's somewhat impressed by the courage of the resistance fighters and their leader, it's rekindled some of the hope he'd thought died long ago.

MAGE
You want to stay and throw your life away, fine. But I'm leaving. Just...umph....as soon...unh...as I can reach this....umph...blasted window. Wh-what are you doing, get your hands off of me!

SOLDIER
Here.

MAGE
What are you doing?

SOLDIER
Helping you up. Think I can reach it myself but you'll have to hold my sword for a minute.

MAGE
You're...coming with me?

SOLDIER
Pretty much have to, don't I?

MAGE
The charm, yes.

SOLDIER
Yeah. The charm.

MAGE
It does bind you to me, you know.

SOLDIER
Let's get out of here before you wake up the whole resistance movement.

MAGE
(Scrambling out of the window. She turns around and reaches her arm through for SOLDIER.)
All four of them?

SOLDIER
(Hands the MAGE her sword.)
Now, let's be fair, if you count that fellow with half a leg, they've got at least a dozen men. A dozen against the whole damn army.

MAGE
(As SOLDIER hauls herself up and out of the window.)
Yes, well, let's not wait to find out just how many of them can actually fight, shall we?

I should probably explain the line about the “charm”. Early in the story, the Mage breaks out of her imprisonment (which turns out to be a recurring motiff in the story) in a heavily fortified castle/school where mages are trained. She battles her way through the soldiers guarding her, exhausting herself and draining her mana – or whatever you want to call it. As she's cornered by one soldier (three guesses who) she uses the last bit of her strength to weave together a charm spell. Something like a geas or a compulsion to bind that soldier to her and make him protect her from the other guards closing in. It's a bit of an open question in the script as to whether the spell actually works or if my Soldier has a change of heart when confronted by the weakened and nearly helpless girl he's been sent to capture. The Mage is convinced the only reason the Soldier helps her is because she's been magically forced to. But the Soldier isn't quite so sure – but can he really trust his own feelings when this girl claims to have messed with his head? And I think you get a sense of that in this little excerpt.

As well as the sort of tender but combative dynamic between the two. Not to mention a sense of what each character is like. For me, personally, I think it's good dialog when you can blot out any indication of which character is saying what and still be able to tell who the lines belong to. And, again, I think I've done that pretty well here.

If anything, I want to cut those last two lines, which are a bit clunky. A bit too forced. Leaving the scene on that snide comment by the Mage about the size of the resistance is probably best – but I'm making up a lot of this as I go along and I wanted to make sure I got it down on paper, so to speak – it's really just a killing line to end end that scene on. Maybe, when I finally stitch this story together, I will. But, at the moment it's nothing major, nothing really amazing, but it's just a nice scene that came to me out of sequence with the main plot and I had to get out of my head. And I happened to rather like it.