Guild Wars: What Would Happen If They Gave Me A Column

I know like too many people who've gone on to write and/or work for ArenaNet at this point. It makes me wonder what it would be like if for some odd reason they ignored history and decided to offer me a job doing a column like the PvP Primer or something. Oh, I'm sure they'd want me to work up some thoughts on skills or go over the scene in the RA and the Halls or something but, me, I'd make sure they gave me creative control before I agreed to anything. That, in so many words, I'd be allowed to write whatever I wanted to write about and they could either post it or not, either let me do it again or fire me, but I'd have, as they say, the final cut. Then I'd work up a few dummy pieces dry as dirt that I could show to them before they let me do one for real. And that's when I'd go nuts.

Here's how I'd start things off....

From the Throne One: Mais Oui, It's Good to Be the King

Hello. I'd like to waste some not so precious bandwidth by....typing.....very......s.....l......o.....w......l.....y. There, I might just have added a kilobyte to the server load. Or loaded a kilobyte onto the server. I really have no idea, I'm just hoping to get the IT boys hopping mad so they stop by to yell at me and I can get them to fix that cursor. Darned thing keeps blinking.

That done, I'd like to talk a little bit about things here because this is my first column. And the powers that be haven't realized it yet but they've just approved the first comedy column here at the house that the thumpers built – I'm told by the game's grand masters and all mighty poobahs that they're really handy with a hammer because they can swing it so fast, they must have put this place together in no time flat, then.

Yes, I said comedy. (bit about Gaile trying to wrestle the keyboard away from me) Like the fine folks at ArenaNet you were probably expecting something completely different (In which case, come back next week.). Because when you think of Sausaletus Rex the first thing that comes to your mind probably isn't bringing the funny (It's more like “Huh, who's that?” followed by a mental shrug.). In which case, you probably haven't seen me PvP lately.

But, no we're going for the comedy thing here. It's all down to open waters, green grass, and fish with very long tails apparently. This was explained to me in great and powerful detail but it's all very secret so I can't tell you more - which you can take to mean that I really didn't understand it at all and don't want to look ignorant. But not comedy like Giggle Pit funny. No, in the words of the great Mel Brooks - “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.”

So, if you're looking for a detailed treatise on some mechanical issue or skill review aimed at the intermediate skill level market, well, look elsewhere. There's plenty of that kind of stuff around including at my blog (zomg teh self-promotion linky! And you doubted my pro skillz!) but how many columns are written by crazy people? I'm not going to be trying to bust your gut so much as I am to present you with the absurd and the amusing. The things that make me smile – but quickly so I can go back to scowling. I'm supposed to be a big cranky meanie, after all, and smiling totally hoses my curmudgeonly rep. But this column's going to be about whatever I want to throw up against the wall of public indifference whenever that deadline looms. Some days I might talk about that nub I ran into in the RA who was using Frensig (And...cue afterschool special music. That nub....sniff, that nub was me! Dun dun duh! And scene!) and some days I might talk about how shifting Healing Signet from Strength to Tactics was the greatest balance change ever. Some days I'm going to curl myself into a ball and rock back in forth as the existential horror of the blank page drives me further into a spiral of madness I'll never recover from.

Today, though, in honor of the great Mr. Brook, I'm going to devote this column space to talking about the Producers. I saw the movie recently and, I have to say, the new version based on the stage play isn't half as good as the original movie that play springs from – the one with Gene Wilder and the late, great Zero Mostel (Has to do with the timing of the thing. Coming out only twenty or so years after WWII the very idea of “Springtime for Hitler” was daring. And there's some flower power stuff in there that just doesn't make sense outside of the context of the original release date of 1968.) It's, of course, the story of a pair of hapless producers who try to make a bunch of money by putting on a show that's bound to fail. Their plan backfires and they succeed by failing. (An intercom switches on. “.” “Gaile! I told you call me Rex when I'm working!” “Saus.” “I'm a king.” “Yes, I saw the paper crown. It's very...flattering.” “Thank you, it's from Burger King.” “Lovely. However...” “Look, this is going someplace.” “Yes, into the recycle bin. This is a Guild Wars website. People are here to read about Guild Wars. Not about musical comedies.” “Look, I'm trying to make a point here.” “And I'm trying to say you need to make one soon.” “Quiet woman! I'm trying to work here and the ceaseless prattling from your braying mouth isn't helping. I don't see how you expect me to get anything done with these interruptions and....why are you eyes glowing? Oh god, the pain!”) How does this relate to Guild Wars you ask? Well...

The sad thing is I could very well write the rest of that article. Something about how you deal with a plan blowing up in your face is important - “no plan survives first contact with the enemy” and all that. But I think I've proved my point – they'll never, ever let me do anything like that. I have far too big of an absurdist streak and I'd be too tempted to just smash things for the pretty sound when they break.

More's the pity because it's exactly the sort of thing, I'd think, they should be adding to the official site. There's a place for things like the PvP Primer and the State of the Game series and the Scribe and more like them. But there's also a place for the cutsey stuff that people can pass around and e-mail to each other – call it the Leeroy effect, if you will – because those, more than anything, build a sense of community. There's more than one demographic niche that comes to the official site and it should be catering to as many of them as possible. Not everything has to be technical and hardcore. This is a game. It's fun. And people are going to have fun with it.

Special bonus content: The second article I'd write:

From the Throne: Skill Combinations For Improving Your Play

I play Monk a lot so I'm used to being yelled at. It's okay, I'm a masocist so I kinda like it (The old intercom buzzes “Yes Gaile?” “Take that link down. Now.” “Yes, Gaile.”). But it's never anyone's fault if they die. It's always mine. It's never “Blargh! I dieded because I ran across the map and out of range. I should stop eating paste because it's getting all over the keyboard.” No, it's “C'mon Monk get it together!”. It's just a fact of life. As a Monk I should be able to perform miracles on demand under any circumstances short of my computer bursting into flames because it can't handle my sheer awesomeness (This has claimed, by my scientifically approved estimate, more harddrives than all viruses and mechanical failures put together.) and decides to commit electronic seppuku.

There's only one exception to this ironclad rule – the ultimate skill combo. The pinnacle of all Guild Wars strat. The quickest way to pwn someone known to man (Not to girls though, they don't play video games and can be ignored. Also they're icky and never want to go on dates with me.). I'm talking, of course, about the masterful use of Frenzy and Healing Signet at the same time! Better known as the Frensig.

When someone uses it sounds something like this: “Yowtch! What the hell just hit me for 300 damage and, whoops there it goes again! Wow, I sure died fast there. I guess my brave Monk teammate is completely free of blame and repercussions because there's no way anyone could have healed through that.”

Well, actually it really sounds like “Yow—rez me rez me rez me rez me pls?” Because it happens just that quick. When you activate your Healing Signet and then trigger Frenzy or vice versa not even the healing hand of our almighty god – Superman himself – can save you. Sure, you might live and all but if anyone takes a screenshot you're never going to live it down. It's like a scarlet N around your neck. Oh sure, you can try and tell people it's a sideways Z and it stands for Zed because you're all British and sophisticated but everyone knows it's an N. An N for n00b. And really, if you didn't figure that out three sentences ago you just might be a nubneck.

Here, listen to this service announcement by acclaimed voice actor Robin Atkin Downes (Anyone? He played Rurik? From Prophesies? “As a child I spent much time in...” Okay, forget it. You all suck and I'm going to do it myself.)

Kids, your friends might tell you that taking double damage while halving your armor is the “cool” thing to do. But they're wrong. Don't listen to them. Friends don't let friends use Frensig. Or airquotes. Totally for lame-wads.