Big Scary Review – February

It's a new week, a new month, and, you know, a brave new era for this particluar blogger. Last month I was consumed by the unholy force known as Guild Wars. And this month, well, I'm casting about for something new while finishing off what's piled up in my ghostfile about the game. But don't think I've forgotten that this is a Big Scary Year. And I've pledged myself to undertaking any number of adventures. To challenge myself and push the boundaries of just what I'm capable of by setting those small but unreachable goals that I never thought of aiming for. Like the NaNo that spawned this crazy scheme it's the best contest – the one where everyone wins. And I've been busy and all and haven't done much about it so, if you'll permit me, let's take a loot at my adventures and

1. Finish a story. For once.

I've never been very good at endings. They're like goodbyes – I just prefer not to deal with them. So I've ghostfiles littered with half-finished projects and stories that I've never gotten around to completing. Not because I don't like them but because capping them off is the boring part. Even my NaNo novel lays unfinished. And, well, I haven't exactly been writing a lot lately but sometime I'm going to start a story and bring it to completion. If only to prove to myself that I can.

2. Sculpt something. Again.

I'm getting a bit cute with the language here because “sculpt” could mean a lot of things. It's a backdoor that I can use to claim I've done it after I've created, well, anything. No, just like writing, I've gotten lax about it but I've always enjoyed expressing my creativity in artistic mediums. Sculpture of all sorts being one of them. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with this (Although, you know, I have ideas) and I don't have much time at the moment. But by the close of the year I want to make something. Something visual in three dimensions. Whether that's in clay or stone or collage or mixed media, I don't know at the moment. It's been a while and that's why it'll be an adventure.

3. Go back to school and get a new degree.

Getting a new degree will take some tie so I'm just aiming at starting this adventure this year. I haven't been having much luck with the degree I have and the job market's rough (I could move and all but...I like where I live and I don't think I'd have any luck anywhere else.) so it's time to head back to school and up my skills. It's a difficult choice for me because I have no idea what to study – again – but beyond that it means admitting that I've been an abject failure since graduating (I also was very well burned out on school by the end of my last trip.). That's...not easy for me.

4. Take a math class. And ace it.

Goes hand in hand with the last item as the math class I'm taking now is, of course, the first step on that journey. This is one of my retroactive adventures – I was well on the way to doing this when I made up my list. But, hey, sometimes setting achievable goals gives me the confidence I need to get to the mountaintops. As for acing the class, I'll see how that's going after my test next week. I haven't been studying nearly as much as I should have but, then, I never have.

5. Earn a spot in a top 100 guild.

Ah, yes. Guild Wars. Top 100 is a reference to the guild ladder which is practically useless as a measure at this point. What I mean by that is I want to be involved in a good, competitive guild that's going to have a shot at the big time. There's a big drop-off from the top 10~20 to the rest of the top 100 and all but I think, with the right team and enough devotion I just might make it someday. All I want is to be there and circle around. Just to be a part of that sort of thing again. Because, you know, I wasn't happy or grateful enough the last time around and that was, I think, a mistake. I say “earn”, though, because the truth is I've never exactly played my way onto any team. I've always been given a spot. By being in the right place at the right time. Or by knowing the right person. This time around I want to deserve to be in a team that's as good as I think I am (And, of course, aren't at the moment.). I've been there before and I'm not sure if I belonged. This time around, things are going to be different. They always are but I mean that in a good way.

6. Take part in the Script Frenzy.

This is the NaNo spinoff that's happening in June. Instead of a novel you have a month to write a script. It's going to be based on word count so the Office of Letters and Light can use their existing infrastructure rather than the more standard metric for screenplays of pages. It's going to be 25k last I heard which, you know, is nothing for me. I can grind that out in a couple of days if I'm feeling inspired. Which should leave plenty of time to collaborate and get involved with others because, unlike NaNo, you can do join scripts for this one. Plenty of my NaNo crazies, I mean, friends are going to be hanging around and maybe we can get together and have some fun. I've never written a script before - although I've read and watched countless ones – so I'm pretty geeked about this one. The big decision is whether I want to have a stage play or a movie because, from what I gather, they're very different disciplines. Plays are more about dialog which is a strength of mine. While movies are visual which used to be a strength (As I'm a very visual person and how I originally got into writing was my ability to be descriptive and sensory.) although describing things has been giving me fits lately. Either way, I have a few ideas – I might even do something like a comic book/graphic novel script or a series of webcomics or something depending on the “rules”. Can't wait for it to arrive. Just don't expect much blogging out of me while it's going on.

7. Get in better shape.

Sad to say, I've really let myself go. It's part of the whole “I really can't stand getting out of bed because I'm crippled with indecision” thing. Just no motivation to get out, be active, and exercise. And my love of good food means I'm not exactly the healthiest eater around. It all adds up to flab and I'm sick of it. It's been a bit difficult lately. What with the weather and all. I've been trying to walk every day but when it's snowing and the sidewalk's are coated with ice, it's hard to get out there even if I want to leave the warm inside. In the meantime, I've been looking for some exercises or something – I'd like to get into some Yoga or Tai Chi rather than aerobics. Something light and relaxing that I can do every day. And something that will help me focus and concentrate. Because I'm not just talking physically here, I've let myself go mentally as well. Spiritually, too, for that matter. But while the body might be some people's temple, the mind has always been my altar. And I'm worried that I'm getting stupider as the years go by when I hoped the opposite would be the case. Some meditation might help with that and all.

8. Get a better job.

I've come to understand that I have certain...material needs. And those take money. More than I have. Getting more money means finding a way to get paid. And, really, what I'm doing right now isn't very challenging or interesting to me. Something with better pay is what I'm looking for. Something my mother won't be embarrassed to mention to her friends would be a bonus – it's kinda bad because my sister's a scientist (Working on monitoring polution and other environmental issues in the rust belt.) and my brother's about to be an engineer (Probably doing some interesting energy conservation stuff – it's amazing what businesses can save by being smart about using power and it's good for the environment, too.). My mother's a computer programmer, my father's a lawyer and I'm...not. My family's littered with successful, well-off people in important jobs. Not exactly society's leader's or anything (Although my one uncle sits on the Pharmacy Board for the state of Michigan. And my one cousin's just signed up for the Peace Corps.) but comfortable and, largely, by their own rules. I've got the blazing my own path part down but not so much the comfortable or well-off part. But I like to think I'm smart and talented and all I need is that opportunity to shine. I've always excelled whenever I've applied myself. I've just applied myself at things that don't, well, matter. It's really getting to the point where I need to. This is probably going to be the hardest item to cross off the list. But it's also going to be the one that's the biggest to get out of the way.

9. Keep going on the blog.

Yeah, I think that one's going pretty well. I'm just hoping this doesn't become the latest in a long line of little projects that I wind up abandoning. I'm still not quite sure what I'm doing around here but I've been doing it long enough that it's gotten to be a habit. And there have been some days when I've had to force myself to post just as there've been days when things seem to pour from my fingers. Really, I started this thing just to give me something to do and I'm still enjoying it.

10. Stop making lists. Start making progress.

Couldn't resist being a smartass but I wanted a nice, round number to deal with. Ten items might be a lot but I think it's a good guide to getting myself from where I am to someplace new. To harken back to my favorite metaphor – evolution – change is value neutral. It doesn't matter why it's being made, just that it's being made. And if the results are effective is the important thing. That's what I'm trying to get at here – I spend so much time preparing and planning and thinking that I sometimes forget the need to just get out there and get things done. Life isn't compartmentalized and put into neat little lists for my convenience. It's messy. It's not always pleasant. It's, you know, scary. But being alive and part of the human race beats any alternatives I can think of. I'm not in a place I'm happy with. And I'm not sure how to get out (Without, you know, destroying the things about myself at present that I actually do like.). So stepping away a bit at a time is about all I can do. Do it enough and, well, progress.

So, it's been a few weeks since I charted that murky course. And, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about it. Hasn't been easy and I haven't done as much as I would have liked. But the spirit of the Big Scary Year isn't about crossing items off a list. It's about trying things. About making that choice to confront that demon that's been plaguing you. To right that wrong you've always regretted. And, of course, about the encouragement of everyone doing it alongside you. It's, well, a chance. And I've been taking them lately – I'm about to take a few more in the coming days. It's scary. It's wonderful. I think I'm off to a good start.