Starting A Flame War

You ever have one of those moments where you see something that pisses you off? Some post, some comment, some thread, some e-mail group where somebody’s just asking for an old fashioned steady mobbing? Some ignorant little pissant is just begging to get his skull cracked? Metaphorically speaking, of course. Violence is bad, kids (But fun!), do as I say and not as I do. Well, I had one of those the other day. Saw something and the spirit of righteous vengeance moved me to respond. I dashed off some words, chuckled to myself at the thought of tossing hot napalm through some unfortunate’s computer screen, and, well, had those ever inconvieniant second thoughts as I hovered my mouse over the “send” button. Just couldn’t bring myself to go through with it.

However, my loss is your gain because here, for anyone’s use, is a scathing, epic put down for the next time someone manages to get on your bad side. Works best if they’ve been at it for a while and you’ve just reached the breaking point but, well, adjust as needed. Just change the bits between the [ and ]s to whatever suits your purposes. There aren’t many and with any decent program you can use cut and paste fairly quickly. With any luck you’ll be so blinded by anger that you won’t even have time to rethink things and this handy, automated process can deliver untold loathing to your enemies.

Once again, I’m stunned. Oh, sorry, don’t mean to talk like I know you all, it’s just I [have never commented here before but I’m by no means new // used to post here and was checking back for old time’s sake // have been a contributor around here for longer than I’d care to remember].

Let me first say to [target] that I’ve got something to get off my chest so this might take a while and it’s not entirely directed at your but you’re just a target of opportunity but, trust me, it’s worth it. This is the first time I have ever responded to you and, in this particular context it will be the last. Except for [unrelated topic] where you actually seem to have some worthwhile insights, I’m done talking with you as soon as I finish up here. I’ll not respond to you, your thoughts, nor acknowledge you in any way shape or form as much as I can help it. Not until and unless you can actually prove to me that you have something worthwhile to add to the conversation. Because from what I’ve seen – and I’ve been watching for a while – I’m sad to say you don’t. So, since I’ll never have a chance to say it again, I want you to consider that each and everyone of my posts that you might ever chance to stumble upon from now until the end of your particular lightcone to include, right there up front in the header, a great big “[target], shut your god damn pie hole for once in your misbegotten life and listen for a change. Quit racing to your keyboard to be the first to open Shroedinger’s box and collapse the waveform of an unopened [comments thread // message board // blog post // inbox] into a place infested by your particular brand of brazenly and proudly uninformed myopia because I, for one, am sick of the festering rot you and your ilk have inflicted upon this place I, somehow, call home.” Neon flashing lights, sparklers and red, white, and blue bunting and “This land is my land, not your land” sign are optional. I can understand why [others - specifically the operators of chosen forum] tolerates your particular brand of willful ignorance – as [they // he // she] seem to be anything but from my experiences - but I cannot fathom why anyone else chooses to indulge your predilections with anything other than a particularly unpleasant combination of pity and disgust. Not unlike what one experiences when once sees a twisted and disfigured lump of flesh that might have once been human crawling down the sidewalk trailing a viscous mix of what you hope is only mucous. You’re a rotten little [creature // man // woman] and I don’t like you.

If I’m somehow mistaken, by all means, please correct me. I, for one, will listen if you’ve listened to me. I do it a lot and people think I’m a little slow and a little uncertain and a little hesitant but I’m just thinking, really really thinking, as I’m listening. People seem a little put out by someone who actually listens to what they’re saying and give it its due consideration, I guess they’re not used to it, but I can’t see how you could do anything less than value people as you’d like them to value you. To each their own and I’m sorry but I’ve come to the conclusion that for both our sake’s we just have to part company. But, fair warning, do not insult me or my intelligence ever again. My pledge to ignore you and your effect is no more binding than you and I make it. And make no mistake, it is a mutual pledge. Because while I am perfectly willing to tolerate your sad, pathetic excuse for an existence, my tolerance is by no means perfect acceptance of you and your lifestyle. And should you choose to ignore my clearly and exhaustively stated warning to stay away from me and the things I value then I shall have no recourse but to respond in kind with more malice and forethought than the few scant moments it took to type out this response which will have vanished into the ether and down the rabbit hole like so many others. And the weeks and months if not years of a building, growing, seething hatred that gnaws at me, that haunts me, that consumes me from within until I’m nothing but an empty hollow shell filled with dark, abyssal things. That, my friend, will remain.

Because I can forgive but not forget. And you do not want to see what happens when I am more than mildly annoyed with you and actually make a point of making your life a walking misery. I am small and weak when I’m alone but I am the most ferocious creature you have ever had the misfortune to stumble across because you might’ve just gone and kicked over a nest of fire ants, son. For mine is the strength of the hive. When stirred, I have a dozen, a hundred, a thousand, a million like me swarming right alongside. And the best part is, I won’t even have to tell them what to do with you, they’ll know already, with no involvement and no direction on my part. No culpability for there’s no direction of our emergent behavior. No blame, no “I have no recollection of that event at this time, your honor”, no restraints. You see, you’ve been so busy trying to turn our strength of open and honest debate into a weakness that you’ve forgotten that weakness, as you’d define it, is our strength. And we are numbered unto legions. In plain, simple terms, as I’m not sure you’ll understand anything else not endorsed by the [group target belongs to] Committee of “things that [target] can agree with” or wherever else a dinosaur like yourself gets your marching orders: I will put a hurting on you. Lick your wounds and crawl back and I will put a hurting on you again. This, right here, is behind the woodshed and I’m going to teach you to roll over and beg for a visit. You see, it’s not boastful if you can back it up. If you don’t believe me, try and get me angry and see what happens. See if I’m just that vindictive, angry, sullen, and misdirected a person. Because I’ll give you exactly the fight you’ve been not looking for – none at all. I’m on to your game, [buster // little mister // little miss], and I’m far from amused. Message ends.

If I’ve stepped out of bounds and somehow offended anyone other than my intended targets, I apologize in advance. Consider yourself collateral damage and [target] and his brethren can tell you call about that. I’ve no mean to turn this comment or this site into a referendum on how one should deal with a troll. Because at the end of the day, that’s all [target] and [its // his // her] like are. Little internet trolls screaming for attention. And the way I’ve always found to deal with them is by ignoring them, letting them know I’ll have no part of their fun and games, and leaving it up to other, more qualified persons to deal with them. I’ve been known to troll myself, you see, but I grew tired of it as I got older and more mature. I still remember what worked on me, though. And it’s taken me a while to say this because I keep waiting for someone better, someone stronger, someone more qualified to step in and say it for me because I’m not really sure I should have. I’m a humble, god-fearing person who understands when to kneel and pray. But, I’m trying to learn how to stand up for what I believe in and I hope you’ll bear with me as I find my voice. I’m sure [others], for one, could have said it much more simply and efficiently. But I said it my own way in my own time. Because, you see, it’s people like [target] and everyone who’s enabled or encouraged his behavior that’s kept me – and, I presume, others like me – from commenting. From participating. From getting involved. For the simple fact that I refuse to sully my dignity and the dignity of others by rolling around in the muck any longer. If you’ve done something you’re guilty of that. J’accuse. And if you’ve done nothing then you’re complicit by simple virtue of never having stood up for what you should believe in. So, really, what I have to say to all of you is, sirrahs and madams, at long last, have you no decency?

[Proceed to make a quick joke like “Guess I have a little bit of troll’s blood left, after all” or “Tough love, people, look into it.” Or “Man, I knew my thesaurus would come in handy someday”. Or make an apology like “Sorry to derail things but it just had to be said.” And then proceed to talk normally about the subject at hand. Soon you, too, can have your very own flame war!]