Shall we play a game?

Let's play a game. It's a game I like to call "Why the heck haven't I met my Congressman?". And when I say I like to call it that I mean I just made it up and I need to call it something and I'm not going to waste my time coming up with something clever and just run with the first thing I thought of (usually the best thing anyways, in my experience) because I am *horrible* with names. Just, you know, in case you haven't noticed. It's a little roundabout and looping the loop, but I think the view from the beach is pretty nice, so follow along if you want because away I go bravely nowhere at all:

The other day, while trawling through the endless wastes of the Wikipedian Plains like Marco Polo marveling at those strange pools of black liquid, I found out what the Dean of the House or, to be specific, the longest serving Congressperson in House of Representatives at the time, meant. And, what's more, that a former Dean was from my state. In fact, from where I live. He even went to the same high school. This fact was never pointed out to me. Or at least, never in such a way that I've remembered it. He didn't go at the same time and was, of course, much much older than me to the point where we'd never have bumped into each other. But if you'd like to know who I'm talking about look into where Dave Coulier went to high school. Go on. I know that one.

It's the same answer as where the former oldest serving member of the House of Representatives once went to high school. And why do I know that? Because that *was* pointed out to me. At least so that I'd remember. Because it wasn't pointed out just once, it was pointed out several times. And, in fact if anyone ever asked me if anyone famous and or important ever went to my school I'd go, "well, um, well, Dave Coulier? He spoke there once, I think. I kinda mighta chucked a spitball at him or dozed off or something."

And, by now, you might wonder why I'd be a little embarrassed to a) admit Dave Coulier went to my school and b) that I actually considered Dave Coulier when thinking about famous people. That's probably because you haven't googled the name or checked it at wikipedia (which is pretty much the same thing at this point) so I'll save you the trouble. Dave Coulier is the moderately talented - if we're being generous - comic/actor who's most famous for playing Unlce Joey on Full House (Cut. It. Out. That still kills me.). You know, that early 90s sitcom that had the pedalicious Olsen Twins on it when people in their 30s and 40s were actually ashamed enough to not admit they were fucking hot because they were too young?

And I might have just dated myself because if the right honorable Mr. Coulier (Whom, by the way I have nothing against besides the fact that I don't consider him a particularly noteworthy individual in the annals of time) was mentioned several times when I was going to or conscious of high school you can safely assume it was around the heyday of Full House. And, of course, if you were around high school age at the time you, like me, probably hated Full House and the Disneyfied, candy-cotton lifestyle it portrayed and the family oriented programing it exemplified. That's what it was like with my friends, anyways. Not that we would have put it that way (We'd probably have said "That show sucks. It's for fags like Rick over there and little girls like your sister who was great last night, by the way. Here, I forgot to give her the nickel." But, of course, we were young and stupid and more concerned with looking cool and fitting in than explaining the world around us. Well, maybe not me. But I'd probably have been laughed at if I tried to say that family programing was detrimental to the fabric of the social-aligned multi-nodal network space. Eh, kids.) but, to us, it just wasn't "cool".

Looking back on what we thought was cool we probably would have been better off watching Full House but even today when I catch a clip of it or an old rerun or someone mentions it I just can't stomach the saccerine drivel. Yet, at the same time I was fully conscious that it was somehow somewhere somewhat important as it was on the TV and a lot of people watch the TV so if something stays on the TV on a national broadcast channel there has to be some value to it. And so, when people asked me if I knew anyone famous I'd say Dave Coulier rather than the Congressman - who wasn't Dean at the time, if anyone's still in the dark about who weren't talking about - who attended the same damn school and met the same damn teachers who told me that Dave Coulier was the famous one and scheduled him for a speaking engagement (Or not. I might be remembering somebody named Bob Ryan, a local radio personality who didn't attend our school but was friends with some of the faculty and replacing him with Dave Coulier and Mr. Coulier and I might never have been in the same room. So, don't trust me that I'm right, trust everyone, I'm just trying to play a game here.) and not a duly elected representative of our federal government.

Which, kinda seems more important and noteworthy if you ask me. If you'd asked me back then a Congressmen probably would have been about as cool as listening to somebody from some hack sitcom. But if you asked me back then I probably would have said people who huffed paint or listened to Stone Temple Pilots and actually liked that shit were the cool ones and the grooviest thing to do, man, would be to, like, roll up a spliff in the auditorium and have the whole school toke one up. That or, you know, sex. Point being that I was an idiot back then and it's a good thing I wasn't in charge of scheduling events and speakers and the like for our auditorium (which was actually the gym. We weren't big enough for an auditorium. I mean, we're Dave Coulier's high school, what the heck do you expect, Cranbrook? Nah, it was a tiny little school that's not even there anymore and it's only important because I happen to have gone there and remember it.) But, the thing is, I wasn't. The people in charge were. And I left it up to them to book good acts, so to speak, because I just wanted to skip class and hang out with my friends in the auditorium and crack jokes while some boring thing was happening. And, you know, not get caught doing it.

Come to think of it, though, I've never met a Congressmen or a Senator on either the state or local level. Even though I happen to be an acquaintance of the son of a minorly important local political figure who, I belive, is now serving at some level of the government. That's, at least, what he wanted to do when he was in school. And if he is, I wish him luck but I wouldn't really care to talk about it because we never were all that close - he just hung out with the people who hung out with the people who I hung out with from time to time as it was a small school and everyone knew everyone else - as I was never really interested in politics. I've certainly had opportunities to meet elected officials, I've just never bothered. And they've never bothered to seek me out. Their doors have always been open and I have a mailbox and a phone and a door all my own, too. No one bothered. Because no one wanted to be bothered. Oh, bother.

In case you couldn't tell, excuse me while I toss another crumb down here, it's bothering me that if I had ever bothered to look into things, I would have known about this representative on my own. So, I guess, if I *had* been in charge of finding someone whom a pack of unruly and misbehaving little cretins might possibly bother listening to as I was trying to get them to learn *something* other than how to disconnect the fire alarm and slip out the back of the cafeteria for once, I, too, probably would have settled on Mr. Coulier. Because you could hear from politicians all the time, especially during those god awful elections.

And, not to put too fine a point on it, but this was a Catholic school in a disadvantaged neighborhood in a very, very "blue" state and the Marist priests who ran it, I would think, held a lot of reverence for that whole separation of church and state thing. They certainly held a lot of reverence for other things, the United States high among them. Which I found odd for a bunch of papists, but, well, freedom of religion[1]. So, why get into all that messy political stuff when it was already covered in a class that everyone had to take? Especially when you could find a famous Hollywood star (or the closest, generic, wholesale equivalent). Someone who'll give the students yet another perspective to consider. And, yeah, those were some nice priests.

Well, that's my game. Pencils down. Anyone have your answer yet?


P.S. And, no, to the first person who e-mails me burning with passion and ignorance it's not fucking Bonior, all right? Sorry to harsh, but you ran up an iterative true/false path dead end somewhere along the line and your answer has about as much viability as a dinosaur trying to get through downtown Manhatten.


[1] - Long parentheticals get a footnote. Sorry to bring freedom of religion up as I try to keep my own muddled religious views tucked away so as not to offend anyone since someone, somewhere, somehow is going to get pissed off if I even start to mention God or Allah or Krishna or Cybele - keep your Sol Invictus, it's Attis-crazed Galli for me or it's nothin' honey - or whatever it is that I, personally, worship and am not trying to evangelicalize about at all as that's something I'll leave to more qualified people. I know I, personally, find it a bit annoying when people start badgering me about my religious beliefs and as I ask people to extend me the courtesy of not doing so, I'll extend them the same. But if you won't, come prepared, because I'm from the fucking 313 and I will come swinging. Into any fight where my beliefs are threatened, I mean, I will fight to the death to defend them. It's, just, obviously, a touchy subject with me. So, as the Catholic priests taught me, someone who admitedly doesn't share their views on many things, it's a good thing we're in America because the Constitution guarantees that, at the very least, the government is going to grant me that courtesy and will have my back in any fight over it. And the government are some pipe swinging, midevil-style bangers when people start fucking with their peeps. Good thing they're on our side, right?