Frenzied Scripting: Excerpt Machine, Go!

One of the benefits of going through so many revisions is that I've really gotten a handle on the character. I've been doing the front half of the script, mostly (At least when I don't have to dash off to some other section because I've gotten a good idea I need to write down), and that means it's a lot of banter setting up the relationship between the Soldier and the Mage, the two main characters. It's the kind of dialog that really needs to flow and be natural if it's going to work well, and I think I'm writing it much stronger than I would have a month or so ago. The characterization shows through in the dialog a lot more, the little tics and quirks that I've built up are there to the point where, I think, you could take out the name tags and still tell which character was saying which line. Beyond even that nice little trick, tough, is how I'm summarizing a lot more. Everything a character thinks, everything they feel, isn't tumbling out of their mouth – and the same is going for what's taking place in the scene or the overall plot. Some examples? I thought you'd never ask.

Here's a brief scene where the pair are trying to figure out how to steal some needed goods from an isolated farmhouse, shortly after they've escaped from the Academy where the Soldier worked and the Mage was trained:

SOLDIER

Can you, you know, do anything here?

MAGE

I could set the cottage on fire. Maybe.

SOLDIER

I thought you were out of magic.

MAGE

What are you asking me for then?

SOLDIER

You can set the place on fire?

MAGE

I could summon a spark, a small one, it might catch on the roof and start a fire. Get me a pile of tinder and I can do the same.

SOLDIER

And what good would setting fire to the roof of the cottage do?

MAGE

The roof looks dry. A fire would spread pretty fast. When the people inside rush out of the smoke, you can chop them down and then we can take whatever we want.

SOLDIER

Somehow, I think a burned out farmhouse and some bodies would leave something of a trail to be followed. You couldn't, say, make me invisible?

MAGE

You have no idea what an enormous expenditure of magic that would take. Besides...I'm not very good at the subtle things.

SOLDIER

Oh? Like a charm spell?

MAGE

Yeeeess... It was risky. But that worked.

Ah, foreshadowing and banter, without them I'd have nothing but a bunch of scene transitions. I also love the nonchalant (in my head, anyway) my lovely little mage decides she could torch the place.

Here's another, when they're just wandering around trying to figure out what to do and how not to strangle each other with their bare hands that's not really important but that I just like:

SOLDIER

Look, Amaneia-

MAGE

Amaneia Winifrex Schiah Almanou Mantrien deso Luna.

SOLDIER

That's a bit of a mouthful.

MAGE

That's my name.

SOLDIER

Not Amaneia?

MAGE

Amaneia Winifrex Schi--

SOLDIER

Alright, alright.

MAGE

It's my name. It's what you have to call me.

SOLDIER

I'm not going to remember all that.

MAGE

You have to.

SOLDIER

I think I'm going to call you Luna, then.

MAGE

My name is not Luna.

SOLDIER

Nope. But that's what I'm going to call you, Luna. Got a nice ring to it, don't you think?

MAGE

Luna.

SOLDIER

That's right.

MAGE

I'm from the House deso Luna.

SOLDIER

Oh? You're a noble?

MAGE

I...I think so, it's hard to remember but, I- yes. Yes, I am.

SOLDIER

Can't say I've heard of them. But you can't throw a stick without hitting some newly minted noble these days.

MAGE

My family goes back a dozen generations. And you will call me by my rightful name!

SOLDIER

You know, when I was a squire for the Baron so Marduk, everyone just called him Marduk.

MAGE

They did?

SOLDIER

Sure, nobles get called by their House all the time.

MAGE

I...suppose...

SOLDIER

Besides, look at it this way, if they're looking for us, they're looking for Amaneia Winisomething Whatever.

MAGE

And if you call me something else...

SOLDIER

It's like a disguise. Right, Luna?

MAGE

Right.

[Soldier tries to pat her on the back].

MAGE

Don't touch me.

SOLDIER

Alright, then.

You get a hint of my fictional naming system there, by the way. Nobility get all kinds of titles and names, as you can see in the Mage's full name, but the important bits are at the name because that's what tells you which noble house or clan they belong to. That's the “deso Luna” part which reads as, basically, “Of Luna”. I based the “deso” on the Japanese phrase “desu”, by the way, although as you might also be able to tell, there are different descriptors that depend on just how important you are. The phrasing “deso Luna” tells a listener (one from my fictional kingdom, anyway) right away that they're dealing with the first daughter - and, therefore, first in the line of succession which would be why they'd draw that distinction - of the minor noble house of Luna. While the phrase “so Marduk” tells you that you're dealing with the male version of the same (except for the House of Marduk, instead.). It's that sort of detail that drives me nuts and probably won't matter to roughly 9/10s of the intended audience, but it's the sort of thing I feel helps to build a living, believable world instead of just a bunch of quirky details.