NaNo: The Inner Editor is Tricky

I'm not making posts on the NaNo boards. This is something that happened with the Frenzy, too, and it concerns me. Oh, I started out well enough, commenting everywhere that captured my interest the day I could actually manage to access the boards. But, since that first heady day my activity has really flagged. Which is a shame since the NaNo boards and the craziness within are half the fun of the whole experience. And, as you might well know, participating in them dramatically raises the chances that you'll turn in a finished novel. I'm not sure, but it's the exactly same community effect that keeps people playing MMOs long after they've become bored with the content. When you're a part of the NaNo experience you're a part of this great, swirling mass of energy and you just want to hang on for the ride.

And, you know, it's a ride I've been waiting for 11 months to reopen. I want to be there, I want to be part of it all. I want to take newbies under my wing and give them the guidance, the push they need to make it to that magical word count mark. I want to take part in the dares, the clubs, the roleplaying, and all the other fun activities. I want to talk about the writerly points of grammar and structure with all the other folks serious about crafting an actual novel and not a slapdash collection of words. I want to get into word wars and crush the spirits of my pathetic competition. All of it. But whenever I set aside the time to try and surf the boards and even just make a stray comment here or there, I wind up doing nothing.

I think the problem is that there's just too much going on. I'm the sort of person who prefers a small, intimate message board. The kind of place where you really get to know your fellow posters. Where each of their voices can be distinctly heard. But the NaNo board is vast and faceless. There are so many subforums and threads that even just rooting through them to find the thread I might be interested in just saps the energy right out of me. The thought of being the 100th poster in a thread, adding nothing of value to the conversation paralyzes me. And the nagging suspicion that somewhere out there, in that vast see of posters and post counts, is a conversation that I'd want to be a part of if I could only find it, depresses me. So I opt out of the system entirely. Just close it out, tune it down, and go without because I'm not willing to put in the amount of effort required and not willing to part with the amount of energy required to care. Which is a real shame since I'm sure it'd be fun if I could only find a way.

Perhaps the problem is that I've built the experience up too much. Waited, wanted, for it so hard over the past year that now that it's here it can't possibly live up to my dreams. So I'm forcing it, trying to do everything, experience it all, in order to fill myself up with those few fleeting moments of happiness. Maybe I need to lower my expectations. Not worry about finding the right thread or making a great comment. Just let it go and get my hands dirty. Because I'm certainly not having as much fun looking down on it all from my ivory tower of self-imposed seclusion. But, then, that's part of what NaNo is all about isn't it? Letting go of the part of ourselves holding us back, telling us it has to be perfect, has to be just right, or else we just shouldn't bother. About having the freedom, the courage to fall flat on our face because we'll pick ourselves up laughing. I knew I had to wrestle my inner editor into the closet. But I didn't think I'd have to do it before stepping foot in the forums.